I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
