How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
