I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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