If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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