i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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