I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
