can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
