i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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