he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
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