Midget sex pt 2 tonight
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm at about main and main street
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
