awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
