just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
