I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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