ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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