I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
