My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
