Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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