i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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