So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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