id be glad to
Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
