I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
