My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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