I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
