White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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