Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
