I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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