I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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