Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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