1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
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Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
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Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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