I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
