They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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