walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
