I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
