So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
