So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
