1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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