What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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