He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
