I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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