My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
