I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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