I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Jerry, you need to find god
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
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Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
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We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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