So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
