I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
