My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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