Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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