I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You're a waste of cheezeits
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Randomize
