hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
