Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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