I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
