you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Why can't burritos get me drunk
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
