omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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