Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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