So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I am available for nakedness
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
