I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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