i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My legs feel like baby dolphins
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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